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ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - Liza (9th Jun 2007 - 15:26:36) ODE TO PRC "YOUR LOCAL PROFESSIONAL PRINTING & DRINKING LABORATORY" Down in deepest Hampshire, There is a Lab I hear, Who's printing is quite excellent, Of that I have no fear. So off I went to visit them, I knocked upon the door, "They're out to Lunch" the brave reply . . . (The time was half past four!) "We think they may be down the pub?" I hurried off to look, I hoped to find a printer Who could get me off the hook. I found them in the Dragon, I thought "Now I'm on my way" I said "I've got an urgent job - I need it for today!" Well, this just made them fall about, Their laughs dissolved in tears, I simply got the slurred reply "Who's getting in the beers?!" I said (a bit straight-laced, po-faced) "Good Lord! What's happening here? I came to get my prints done Not to buy you all a beer!" Then up piped someone kindly - "S'pose we could just fit it in, I'll do it NOW - I"LL SAVE THE DAY! (But mine's a double gin!) The upshot of the story's They're the BEST at PRC, But need it quick? - You have to say "THE DRINKS ARE ALL ON ME!"

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - vicky (9th Jun 2007 - 16:49:15) Very good gave me a real giggle!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - gen (9th Jun 2007 - 20:13:39) Nice one, Liza!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - Liza of the Lambs (13th Jun 2007 - 19:20:37) Ain't u got 'n ode Gen (or anyone?)

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - gen (13th Jun 2007 - 20:39:49) For Liza of the Lambs (who are they?) It’s really quite a puzzle To try to write an ode - Several subjects possible Maybe, Station Road? Liphook in Bloom deserves some praise And Newtown needs a gift A couple of planters full of flowers - To make our spirits lift. There's been some talk of parking With people filling spaces While going off for several hours So patients can’t find places. We’ve had the gripes on Sainsbury’s It’s getting rather boring, What else is new in Liphook? Maybe the Chinooks soaring? The Links has had its critics As well as fans so vocal We all want somewhere good to eat Even better if it’s local An ode should be little tale Or long if you’ve a mind, But try to keep a rhythm And a rough idea of rhyme. Liza’s set a standard With very subtle humour I understand she works as well At least - that is the rumour! Her ode is rather hard to beat But it hasn’t stopped me trying So now it’s up to someone else To keep the thread from dying!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - Liza of the Lambs (13th Jun 2007 - 21:45:19) Fantastic Gen! How did you do that so quick(ly)?? Carry on the good work folks! Any more out there? (PS I am a shepHERdess - do a few other things as well, not to mention sweet peas - so hence L of the L's) so here is a nice down to earth farmey odey thing I've got pinned to the shed door (make allowances for the simplicity pls!) The Farmer's Friend Orange string, the "Farmer's Friend" It's handy everywhere, It's just the job to fix and mend, But treat it with great care . . .! For stock, as sure as eggs is eggs, Will find some on the ground, And do their best to get trussed up, An in it tightly wound!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - gen (13th Jun 2007 - 23:15:40) But you won’t be tripped by orange string You’re much too smart for that The mystery girl with eggs, sweet peas… A feather in your hat?

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - Liza of the Lambs (14th Jun 2007 - 15:49:56) ODE TO A SHEPHERD (Or some tips for if you 'appen on one) "Lamb-Lag" is a strange complaint That shepherds get in May, It's caused by lots of sleepless nights, Being up both night and day. They won't know where they're going, And can't say where they've bin, Their heads are simply wool-for-brains, The Lamb-Lag's kicking in! Well, shepherds with this illness They can sometimes count to ten, But can't make any sense of things like How? or Where? or When? A chronic case of Lamb-Lag Can cause major symptoms too, Like when you ask them "What's your name?" They answer "Half past two". So never ask the question "Just how many lambs so far?" You'll only get a daft reply Or if you're lucky, "Baa?" You really shouldn't comment on The shepherd's state of dress, Just think it, never say it "Christ! You look a Goddam mess!" Their clothes are all on back to front, (And inside out as well) But never EVER say to them "God! What's that awful smell??" Just treat them with great kindness And admire their shepherd's smocks, It's not a good idea to point out They've got on odd socks. Some silly sheep-related jokes Can often make their day, But use them carefully or you'll 'av 'em Rolling in the 'ay. I've heard that lots of alcohol Can also help a lot, But after treatment, NEVER ask "How many lambs u got?" So if you're in the countryside One sunny day in Spring, And meet a shepherd, my advice:- Wave! HEALTH WARNING!! If you keep sheep you could end up talking to your sweet peas and writing this kind of trivia - Perhaps I should get out more? (Sure Gen will know)

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - Gen (14th Jun 2007 - 16:09:46) Liza - You are absolutely BRILLIANT at this, Pam Ayres should look to her laurels. Why don'y you think about publishing? The humour is spot on and your scan and rhyme fantastic. You are wasted on sheep! How about some marvellous rhymes with humour for kids? They love this sort of thing. In this case I'd say, give up your day job!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - Liza of the Lambs (14th Jun 2007 - 18:06:21) Kids Huh? Don't know about that - might give it a go, then I must get back to my girls. There was an old lady Who lived on a planet, And the folk that all knew her They just called her Janet. So Janet-the-Planet We'll call her for now, She could fly like a bird, So can you work out how? Well, although she was old, She could do lots of stuff, That most of us earthlings Can find awfully tough. She captured a star And built it some wings, And took off from her planet Practiced flying in rings. She went wizzing about All over the place, But never got lost In the vastness of space. But Janet-the-Planet Had other plans too, And perhaps you are wondering If . . .? This kind of stuff Gen?

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - gen (15th Jun 2007 - 07:05:19) If she'll pop in on you? Yes that's terrific - did you have that already written, or was it something you just made up as you tended the woolly wonders?

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - gen (15th Jun 2007 - 10:54:37) LOL (sorry I’m missing a line in the first verse to balance it, but I couldn’t make anything else to rhyme with pegs that made sense and I have also taken liberties with the Nigel Slater line - any suggestions, Liza) Heartfelt ode to magpies Where do the magpies come from, Why won’t they fly away? They kill baby birds and eat all the eggs, Are like sleek little penguins on spindly legs, Of the bird population, they’re surely the dregs. Oh, where do the magpies come from? Please make them fly away! Why don’t the hawks come and nab them, Why don’t they chase them away? I wish I could scare them and make them fly off, Nigel Slater might enjoy Magpie Strogonoff. I swear they’ve infectious Avian cough Can’t men in white coats come and knock them all off? Oh, where do the magpies come from? PLEASE, please! Make them fly away!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - Liza of the Lambs (15th Jun 2007 - 16:31:01) MAGPIE-REPLY-ODE Well, I think that they mostly Come out of the sky, But I really don't have a clue - Just know birds fly. I agree they're a nuisance, That God-Awful noise, I think that you're best bet's To call in the boys. Or perhaps you could borrow Some Scouts for the day? They could run round your garden And scare them away? Or you could make a scarecrow And dress him in black, With a shotgun beside him Then that would be that!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - gen (15th Jun 2007 - 19:40:30) Liza, (or Janet, or even Sweet Pea) Thanks for suggestions to answer my plea. The garden’s quite small and I think that the noise Emitted by several boisterous small boys Might be worse than the magpies so maybe for now I’ll put plugs in my ears and put up with the row!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - gen (16th Jun 2007 - 09:37:33) For Louise and her friend You wonder how the rat is At number forty two? In Station Road, in Liphook, The one whose nose is blue? You see, Louise, the owner Called pest control man in, He sprinkled all thos granules, That stuff called Warfarin. Poor Roley, (that's the rat's name), Stuck his nose into the heap. It gave him such a nasty fright His eyes began to weep. But he pulled himself together And ran round to forty three And yes, quite right, you've guessed He's now moved in with me!

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - Paul Robinson (16th Jun 2007 - 22:22:46) Unable to contribute a local limerick, so I will give you one of my favourites: There was a young lady called Gloria who was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier. Jack Hylton, Jack Pain, Sir Gerald again and the band at the Waldorf Astoria I thank you . . . Paul Robinson

Re: ODES (On the Limerick & Share a Joke Thread) - gen (17th Jun 2007 - 23:13:54) I didn't have to have that one explained - where did you get that one from Paul?

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