Reply to THIS thread
Start a NEW Talkback Thread
Talkback Home

Share a Joke - Sue W (26th May 2007 - 16:48:37) Hi, Thought we ALL need to get in touch with our funnier side. So please post some of your best jokes. This is not particularly good, but one I heard today. 'They have opened a new chat line for Liverpool supporters - 0800 one-nothing-one-nothing-one-nothing!!'. Luv Sue

Re: Share a Joke - mammal (27th May 2007 - 10:12:40) I've got one but it's not very funny: Tony Blair. Just thought i'd lighten things up. xxx

Re: Share a Joke - gen (27th May 2007 - 10:44:22) To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Holiday Inn. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Re: Share a Joke - Dick (28th May 2007 - 23:41:05) I went to the doctors last week and said that no matter where i touch myself it hurts. He said, "I can see the problem straight away, You have a broken Finger...

Re: Share a Joke - Candyfloss (29th May 2007 - 09:06:16) Rather a long one - but very clever 'Have you ever wondered who Jack Schitt is? And when told you dont Know Jack Schitt, you can now tell say you do. Jack Schitt is the only sone of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Shitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt. They had one son Jack Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After 15 years marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she kept her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and proudced a son, with a nervous disposition called Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six kids, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable, and married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement read 'Schitt-Happens Nuptials' The Schitt-Hapens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says "Your don't know Jack Schitt" - you can correct them' Should have got you tuttering - if not you are in seriouse need of of medical help!! Candy

Re: Share a Joke - oscar (29th May 2007 - 09:44:50) I drove into the back of a car yesterday After the smoke had cleared a dwarf got out of the car i had hit and came walking up to my window . I wound down the window , "i'm not happy " he said . To which i replied " well which one are you then" ? oscar..

Re: Share a Joke - Chris (29th May 2007 - 10:50:04) You've probably all heard this one: Prince Philip has a butler called Mr Wibble. One evening, whilst taking a bath Prince Philip calls to Wibble: "Wibble, I would like a cigar whilst bathing please" Wibble goes away and dutifuly returns with a cigar, cuts it, pops it in Philip's mouth, lights it and goes away again. Philip ponders the enjoyable combination of brandy and cigars and calls Wibble again: "Wibble, I'd like a glass of brandy with my cigar please" Wibble goes away and two minutes later dutifully returns with a glass of brandy. 10 minutes later, Philip calls to Wibble again: "Wibble, I will retire to bed after my bath, please prepare my bed chamber for me". As Wibble walks away, Prince Philip breaks wind loudly in the bath. 5 minutes later, Wibble returns, holding a hot water bottle: "Your hot water bottle, as ordered sir" Philip looks at him surprised and says: "Wibble, I do not remember ordering a hot water bottle!" to which Wibble replies: "But sir you did. I'm sure I heard you say 'whataboutawaterbottlewibble'".

Re: Share a Joke - rob (29th May 2007 - 13:52:23) mammal (for evidence, see its recent post on Rumour (out of) Control)

Re: Share a Joke - candyfloss (29th May 2007 - 21:06:35) Phil (sainsbury) - he's more consistant

Re: Share a Joke - John (1st Jun 2007 - 21:48:42) The masochist says to the sadist,"hit me,go on hit me" and the sadist says,"no" !

Re: Share a Joke - gen (2nd Jun 2007 - 09:55:08) An elderly lady gets pulled over for speeding... "Is there a problem, Officer?" "Ma'am, you were speeding." "Oh, I see." "Ma'am, can I see your licence please?" "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "Don't have one? " "Well, officer, I lost it, three years ago for drunk driving. " "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, no." "Why not? " "I'm afraid I stole this car. " "Stole it? " "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." "You what? " "His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his baton. "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. "Is there a problem, officer?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner? " "Yes, would you open the boot of your car, please." The woman opens the boot, which is absolutely empty. "Is this your car, ma'am?" "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's licence and hands it to the him. He examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too." MORAL: Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

Re: Share a Joke - Steve Read (3rd Jun 2007 - 20:31:51) Woman walks in to find her husband leaping around the room with a fly squatter in his hand swishing away like a madman. "What are you doing?" she asks, "Killing flies, whats it look like" he replies, "Have you got any yet?" she inquires, "Yep, I've got 3 males and 2 females" he announces with pride. "How do you know which ones were which?" she asks, "Simple" he replies "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Re: Share a Joke - Rhys G (3rd Jun 2007 - 21:37:16) Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? A: Because if it walked it would get stabbed! ---------------- Q: Why should you never marry a tennis player? A: Because love means nothing to them!

Re: Share a Joke - John w (3rd Jun 2007 - 22:11:51) These jokes really cheer me up,i need cheering up 'cos my wife's so ugly,in fact she's so ugly that when she walks in the room all the mice jump up on the chairs !

Re: Share a Joke - gen (3rd Jun 2007 - 23:29:40) You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

Re: Share a Joke - Sue W (4th Jun 2007 - 20:33:52) 'A man came into my shop today and purchased some items. I asked him if he would "like a bag". "No" he replied, "I have one of those at home!" '

Re: Share a Joke - Dick (4th Jun 2007 - 22:24:16) I went to the barbers yesterday, and he said, "Would you like it cut round the back". I said, "Can't I sit in the chair like evreyone else"..

Re: Share a Joke - gen (4th Jun 2007 - 23:13:42) Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Re: Share a Joke - gen (7th Jun 2007 - 22:48:44) Come on you Talkbackers! Keep us smiling - I really look forward to seeing a good joke. Maybe some of them are oldies, but even when I heard them before, some still make me laugh. I'm sure everbody could think of just one joke a day?

Re: Share a Joke - oscar (11th Jun 2007 - 10:18:34) A woman standing naked in front of the mirror says to her husband " I'm old, fat , wrinkly and all saggy please give me a complement" He replies " At least your eyesight is still perfect" ... oscar

Re: Share a Joke - Stephen (11th Jun 2007 - 12:21:44) An Irishman goes for a job on a building site. "You can have the job if you can tell me the difference between a joist and girder", says the Foreman "Well, didn't Goethe write Faustus and Joyce wrote Ulysses" [You have to do the accent in your head]

Re: Share a Joke - Liz C (11th Jun 2007 - 14:02:52) What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night? Lies awake wondering if there is a dog!

Re: Share a Joke - Liz C (11th Jun 2007 - 14:05:04) I hope this isn't too cheeky A guy walks into a pub and the barman says to him - "You've got a steering wheel down your pants." He replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

Re: Share a Joke - gen (11th Jun 2007 - 14:52:48) Those last three were really brilliant - clever as well as original!!

Re: Share a Joke - Steve Read (11th Jun 2007 - 17:03:41) Thoughts for the day: A Consultant: Someone who asks to borrow your watch, tells you the time. Then charges you for the privelege. A Lawyer: They will do absolutely anything for money. Sometimes even tell the truth. You can sum up life in three words. It goes on.

Re: Share a Joke - Liz C (11th Jun 2007 - 17:08:33) Think Gen will like this: A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car sales room. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 110 kph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 160kph, then 170, then 180kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

Re: Share a Joke - gen (11th Jun 2007 - 17:28:38) Yes, I did like it, Liz! Do you like this one: Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in George Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a copper writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on! How about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a N***. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of S***. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote........... Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by train. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

Re: Share a Joke - Barry Hope (11th Jun 2007 - 19:57:36) A wealthy old woman decided to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle, Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!” says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bulls*** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Re: Share a Joke - Dick (11th Jun 2007 - 20:51:39) This might get by the Censor............ John was walking down the street when he bumped into an old friend he hadn't seen for some time, "Hello Dave, Long time no see", Dave replied, "I have been to University, as one of them mature students" "Oh" said John, "What have you been studying" "Logic" replied Dave "What do you mean, Logic" "Well" Said Dave, "I will give you an example. Do you have a goldfish" "Yes" Said John. "So if you have a Goldfish, you have a goldfish pond" "Yes" "If you have a Goldfish pond, you must have a Garden" "Yes". "If you have a garden, you must have a house" "Yes". If you have a House, you must, Say, Have a wife." "Yes" If you have a wife, then [editor - you're right Dick ... censored]

Re: Share a Joke - gen (11th Jun 2007 - 23:37:52) Have a heart! you can't end it like that! [yes I can - editor.... ha ha]

Re: Share a Joke - Bored Individual (12th Jun 2007 - 00:12:36) This one goes quite nicely with Barry's one!! One day, a young lad was walking in a field of cows and a very large bull. All of a sudden he saw a little bird struggling in a large pat of dung. He went the the birds rescue, and placed him on the fence to dry out. The bird dried off and flew to the top of the large oak tree. He felt so happy that he was alive that he sung one of his best tunes. Suddenly, a hawk swooped down and took him away. The moral of THIS story is - if you get to the top of the tree through a lot of Bull Sh**, dont keep chirping about it!!

Re: Share a Joke - Liz C (12th Jun 2007 - 13:00:54) The blonde... A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy,Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, It's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy,Mummy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" No, honey, Its because you're 24

Re: Share a Joke - marian (12th Jun 2007 - 13:39:04) Two cows in a field The first cow said, "moo" The second cow said, "d'you know I was just about to say that!"

Re: Share a Joke - Hilary (12th Jun 2007 - 13:41:03) Irish Maths Test An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asked. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman. "Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and did its business by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred." "So, when do I start?"

Re: Share a Joke - Barry Hope (12th Jun 2007 - 20:45:26) I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives? By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday , I have finally found inner peace. The phone in show was talking about the potential damage to our health of the stress we have in our lives. Dr Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished." So, this morning, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house, I finished off; half a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, most of a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a quarter bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin, a packet of Jaffa cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake from Sunday lunch, some Doritos and a box of chocolates left over from Easter............ You have no idea how good I feel!!!! The man is a genius!

Re: Share a Joke - Barry Hope (12th Jun 2007 - 20:48:40) Breakfast With Bush Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin.... "How about a quickie this morning?" "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton! " As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.......... "It's pronounced, 'Quiche'. "

Re: Share a Joke - John W (12th Jun 2007 - 20:54:41) A woman driving an old VW Beetle breaks down on the motorway and pulls up on the hard shoulder, looking under the bonnet she finds that the engine has disappeared,"Oh my God" she says,"it must have fallen out,i knew i shouldn't have been going so fast"and then bursts out crying ! At that moment another lady driver, driving an identical car, sees her and stops to see if she can help (these enthusiasts stick together you know)."Whatever is wrong" she asks,"you're in an awful state" ? "I've lost my engine "says the first woman,"how on earth am i going to get home,my old man will kill me,it's his car" !"No problem" says the second lady,"i've got a spare one in my boot" ! !

Re: Share a Joke - Steve Read (12th Jun 2007 - 20:57:30) A bloke goes into Superdrug and asks the assistant "Have you..... [sorry Steve, too rude and PS I don't think it is spelt liek that !]

Re: Share a Joke - gen (12th Jun 2007 - 22:37:04) Steve�s joke for the blog�s a bit rude And our Ed is a terrible prude So re-phrase it Steve Or the readers will grieve We�re not shocked if it�s a tiny bit crude!

Re: Share a Joke - Louise (13th Jun 2007 - 02:25:06) A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Jemima has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "�150!," she cried, "�150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been �20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now �150."

Re: Share a Joke - rob (13th Jun 2007 - 09:47:14) Top one, Louise! A buddhist monk goes to New York. In Times Square, he sees a hotdog stand. "Make me one with everything," he says. The hotdog seller hands it over and asks for $1.70. The monk gives him $2, which the seller pockets. "What about my change?" asks the monk. "Change must come from within," replies the hotdog seller. rob.

Re: Share a Joke - Liz C (13th Jun 2007 - 12:25:46) How a bit of Tommy Cooper Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Re: Share a Joke - Liza of the Lambs (13th Jun 2007 - 16:42:49) One 4 Gen:- Yeah, the ed's a bit stuffy and straight, But to me so far, he has been great, If you don't say Schitt, And you never say Fugger, - He'll pass it and basically you can more or less say anything you like, so Cheers Ed!

Re: Share a Joke - Chrisanne (13th Jun 2007 - 17:09:35) This is too good to keep to myself: A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not Phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello ? " "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The Child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, The boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes" May I talk with her? "Again the small voice whispered, "No" Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the Boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the Whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background Through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just Landed a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" With a muffled giggle the child whispered...... �Me"

Re: Share a Joke - Steve Read (13th Jun 2007 - 19:23:10) Had an escape today. Walked into B&Q and old bloke dressed in orange came upto me and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in and walked out!

Re: Share a Joke - Steve Read (13th Jun 2007 - 19:41:26) The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then they both had a minute to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word was Timbuktu. First up was the Yale graduate: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu The crowd went crazy knowing full well the redneck would not top that. Up steps the lad from Arkansas. Me and Tim a huntin' we went Met three women in a pop up tent They was three, and we were two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

Re: Share a Joke - gen (13th Jun 2007 - 19:45:25) Really lovely, L of L!!

Re: Share a Joke - Dick (13th Jun 2007 - 20:23:50) Well I hope this one gets through... A man was looking in the local newspaper adverts hoping to buy a dog. He comes across one which read. "Talking Dog For Sale" Intrigued, he phoned the number given and was invited round to see the dog. He rang the door bell and a man came to the door. "I've come to see this talking dog you have for sale" He said, "Oh, It's out in the back garden somewhere", the man replied, very matter of factly, "Go Through" The man walks through the house to the back garden and there sitting in the corner is the dog. Looking around to see if anyone was listening he said, "I understand you are a talking dog" "Yes, That's right" Said the dog. Totally amazed by what he had heard he said "So what's the story then" The dog replied, "Well when they knew that I could talk, I first worked for the local Police, Just out and about on the street, picking up information, then going back to the station and giving them a report. Of Course it didn't stop there. Once MI5 got to know about it, I went and worked for them. Then it was MI6, The CIA, The FBI, Interpol, you name it. I have been to Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Israel, you name it. It just got to the point where I wanted to come home, find myself a bitch, settle down and have pups" That's absolutely fantastic" the man said, and went back into the house. "That dogs amazing" he said "Why on earth do you want to sell him" The owner replied.. "Because he's a bloody liar, he hasn't done any of that.."

Re: Share a Joke - Stephen (15th Jun 2007 - 11:52:42) The passengers have all boarded the aircraft when they are surprised to see two men, one with dark glasses and a white stick and the other with a guide dog, both wearing pilot's uniform and walking up the aisle towards the cockpit. Surely this is a joke they think. However the two men go into the cockpit and the engines start up. Next the aircraft taxis to the runway and the message "prepare for takeoff" goes out. As the plane accelerates down the runway, the passengers become trmendously alarmed. As the end of the runway, which terminates in a deep lake, approaches the passengers start to murmour, then shout, then scream. As they do, the plane takes off at the last possible moment and climbs into the sky. One of the pilots turns to the other and says: "one day they'll scream too late you know"

Re: Share a Joke - Liz C (15th Jun 2007 - 16:55:17) Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, no, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control" As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic �75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" I love this part.... �Only when he's been drinking."

Re: Share a Joke - jenny (15th Jun 2007 - 19:15:00) The beer scooter We've all used this form of transport - some more than others How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinkingand thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:- The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via aTrans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head. An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TA (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Re: Share a Joke - Board Indiviaual (15th Jun 2007 - 20:20:43) Husband & wife in bed together... She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder She said 'oh, that feels good' His hand moves to her breast She said 'Gee honey, that feels wonderful' He moves his hand to her leg 'Oh, honey don't stop' He stopped!! 'Why did you stop?' she asked He replied.....'I found the remote!!'

Re: Share a Joke - Barry Hope (15th Jun 2007 - 23:56:50) A young woman was in her kitchen. A pan of water was simmering on the stove. She was making boiled eggs for breakfast. He walked in. Their eyes met. "Make love to me here, now," she said. They made love on the kitchen table. "Couldn't resist me, huh?" he said. "The egg timer is broken," she replied. Of course this story is a bit far-fetched given that an egg timer lasts for three whole minutes..

Reply to THIS thread
Talkback Home